The Tao of Lil Man: How a cat taught me about healthy Masculinity

In a recent conversation with a dear friend and mentor, we found ourselves discussing the nature of masculinity and its relationship with femininity in the context of right relationship. She told me how one of her own teachers had once stirred major controversy within this particular group by suggesting that of the primary roles of the masculine is to forge ahead, to protect and create space for the feminine to flourish, nurture and create. At first glance, this idea might seem to challenge modern views on feminism and equality. Yet, as I listened, something deep within me resonated—a primal recognition, as if echoing the wisdom of ancestors I’ve never met but feel connected to in my soul. This discussion brought to mind my cat, Lil Man, who has embodied this beautiful balance in our home for over 14 years. Yes, a 22-pound tabby has shown me, a grown middle-aged woman, what true masculinity looks like—and more importantly, how it feels when you fully surrender to our innate nature, which is a unique blend of both masculine and feminine energies. Lil Man embodies a harmonious blend of dualities: he balances generosity with firm boundaries, exhibits patience alongside decisive action, and displays dominance tempered by restraint. His effortless integration of these opposing qualities serves as a living example of the natural equilibrium between masculine and feminine energies. Observing him, I witness the profound wisdom inherent in nature, where such dualities coexist seamlessly, each complementing and enhancing the other. Lil Man’s leadership within our feline family is marked by his thoughtful and measured responses. In a household with five other cats and occasional fosters, he maintains harmony not through aggression but through gentle guidance. Rarely resorting to force, he subtly navigates conflicts, often by calmly positioning himself between disputing cats, diffusing tension with his composed presence. For instance, when our other male cat, Buddy, showed territorial aggression towards the older females, Lil Man intervened decisively yet gently, using his physicality not to dominate but to protect and restore peace. His non-reactive demeanor and consistent calm have influenced the behavior of our other cats, and it’s made our home a place of affection and peace with all the cats. Through his actions, Lil Man exemplifies that true strength lies in restraint and that effective leadership fosters an environment where all can coexist harmoniously. I know I may sound a bit sycophantic about a cat, but he really has changed the way I see the world and I’m incredibly grateful for him and the lessons he and the other cats have taught me.

It’s worth noting that Lil Man isn’t without his flaws, he’s a messy eater, dislikes having his nails trimmed, and his breath could be weaponized. But I don’t t expect my teachers or mentors to be perfect role models; for me, honesty and authenticity are what matter most. What makes him such a unique teacher for me is his freedom from the distortions that plague our understanding of these dualities. He isn’t burdened by societal constructs or influenced by the aggressive posturing of toxic masculinity or the overcorrections of hyper-woke feminism. His nature is pure, instinctual, and balanced—a living reminder of what it means to embody wholeness without overthinking it.

Often, society presents us with rigid stereotypes: equating aggression with strength or mistaking coddling for compassion. But Lil Man, in his infinite primal wisdom, has navigated this delicate balance effortlessly, teaching me and others the essence of healthy masculinity. Whether you accept it or not, this duality—the interplay of masculine and feminine energies—is the foundation of our existence. And yet, our clumsy attempts to understand these primal, sacred opposites often lead us astray. We exaggerate and distort these energies, acting out stereotypes or reacting with overcorrections that compensate for a lack of connection to our roots. By civilizing ourselves so much, we’ve accidentally forgotten our own inherent nature. This forgetfulness often manifests in extremes. From the domineering posturing of red-pill alpha male rhetoric to the overcorrections of hyper-progressive ideologies, these extremes distort and caricature the essence of masculinity and femininity. Both create clumsy imitations of what these energies truly are, stripping them of their nuanced power and sacred balance. These reactions, though often born of frustration or fear, are not solutions—they are symptoms of a deeper imbalance, an overcivilization that has severed us from the primal wisdom that once guided us.Perhaps the answer isn’t in ideology at all. Maybe it lies in nature, in animals, in the quiet examples of those who live instinctively in balance. For me, that teacher is a 22-pound tabby—a gentle giant and a loving protector by the name of Lil Man. He doesn’t need to prove his strength; it simply radiates from his presence. He doesn’t need to hide his vulnerabilities or tenderness; they are a part of his wholeness. His existence shows me that the answer isn’t about choosing sides or defining boundaries but about integration. True masculinity isn’t fragile. It doesn’t need to dominate or deny the feminine to thrive—it thrives because of the feminine, just as Yin depends on Yang. Lil Man embodies this balance without effort, showing me what it means to live in harmony with one’s nature.

The interplay of masculine and feminine energies is not just an idea; it is a fundamental aspect of existence, deeply embedded in spiritual and psychological traditions. Carl Jung’s concept of the anima and animus offers profound insight into these dualities within the human psyche. The anima, the unconscious feminine within men, embodies qualities like intuition, emotional depth, and receptivity. The animus, the unconscious masculine within women, reflects assertiveness, logic, and decisiveness. Jung believed that recognizing and integrating these aspects was essential for psychological wholeness—a process he called individuation. Yet, this journey toward balance requires confronting the shadow, the parts of ourselves we suppress because they conflict with societal expectations or our self-image. These shadows can be positive or negative—suppressed creativity, unexpressed tenderness, unacknowledged aggression—and their integration is the key to becoming authentic and whole. Over time, societal narratives have distorted these archetypes, equating masculinity with dominance and emotional suppression, and femininity with passivity and irrationality. These oversimplifications not only limit individual expression but also feed collective imbalances, fostering environments where toxic behaviors thrive. Watching Lil Man, I see what this looks like in its purest, most primal form. He integrates strength and gentleness effortlessly, embodying the animus in his protective instincts and the anima in his nurturing presence. He teaches me that wholeness isn’t about rejecting parts of ourselves but about allowing them to coexist harmoniously. His presence reminds me that true masculinity is spacious—it creates room for others to thrive, for love to grow, for balance to flourish.

This balance is also beautifully illustrated in the ancient Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang. Yin, the feminine principle, is associated with receptivity, passivity, and introspection, while Yang, the masculine principle, embodies activity, assertiveness, and outward expression. These forces are not opposites in conflict but complementary energies that rely on one another for harmony. The well-known Yin-Yang symbol, the Taijitu, illustrates this balance, with its two interlocking shapes containing seeds of their opposite within them. This dynamic interplay reminds us that balance is not static but cyclical and fluid. In Lil Man’s behavior, I see the essence of this philosophy. When he patrols our home, exuding quiet authority, his Yang energy is undeniable. Yet when he curls beside me, purring softly and offering comfort, he radiates Yin. His ability to embody both energies is a powerful reminder that balance isn’t about rigidity—it’s about adaptability, about responding to life with the grace of a river that flows around obstacles rather than breaking against them. What really strikes me in all of these examples of the duality is that nothing is good or bad-they simply are, and that’s an important reminder. If we want to grow and evolve, we need to update and adapt to our nature and accept that we are each a unique amalgamation of nature and nurture, light and shadow, yin and yang and yes, Masculine and Feminine. Just like Lil Man, who naturally finds his footing between these complementary energies.

Indigenous cultures have long revered this sacred interplay of masculine and feminine energies, understanding their importance for both individual and communal well-being. The Kichwa people of the Andes speak of yanantin, the coexistence of complementary opposites, which transcends physical distinctions and reflects a cosmic truth. Lakota spirituality similarly honors balance through symbols like the Medicine Wheel, where the four directions and elements represent a unified whole. The sun, representing masculine energy, and the moon, representing feminine energy, are seen as interdependent forces sustaining life through their cyclical dance. Mapuche shamans, or machi, embody both masculine and feminine energies to heal and maintain harmony within their communities. These traditions remind us that balance is not just personal but cosmic, a truth that resonates in every aspect of existence. This universal principle can be seen in something as simple and profound as a potter shaping clay on a wheel. The clay requires both structure and gentle firmness to take form. Without the steady, guiding hands of the potter (masculine energy), it spins out of control and collapses into chaos. At the same time, the clay’s fluidity and malleability (feminine energy) are what make it possible to shape into something meaningful. It is only through this interplay—gentle pressure and yielding softness, stability and adaptability—that the clay becomes art. Lil Man reflects this same natural balance. His protective instincts are like the potter’s hands, guiding and shaping the world around him with quiet authority. Yet it’s his gentleness—his warmth, his nurturing presence—that creates space for love, creativity, and connection to flourish. He teaches me that balance isn’t just something we achieve for ourselves but something we embody to create harmony for those around us.

The natural world offers some of the most visceral examples of this balance. The pollination of flowers by bees, for instance, is a delicate exchange of active and receptive energies that ensures the continuation of life. Rivers carve their assertive paths through landscapes, but it is the receptive earth that gives them direction. Trees stretch skyward with masculine action, while the nurturing soil anchors their roots. The reintroduction of wolves into Yellowstone National Park is perhaps the most striking example. Before the wolves returned, overpopulated elk herds had overgrazed vegetation, leading to the collapse of ecosystems. The wolves, embodying masculine energy through their predatory strength, rebalanced the ecosystem by controlling elk populations. This allowed vegetation to regenerate, stabilizing riverbanks and creating habitats for countless other species. Yet, wolves are also deeply social animals, relying on the feminine energy of cooperation and nurturing within their packs. Together, these forces—assertive strength and communal care—restored harmony to Yellowstone. Lil Man mirrors these dynamics in his own way. His fierce protection of his territory ensures order, while his nurturing presence fosters connection and peace. Through him, I see that balance isn’t just an abstract ideal—it is the foundation of life itself.

Every time I watch Lil Man stretch out on the couch, basking in the warm sunlight streaming through the window, I feel a profound sense of gratitude. In those moments, I see not just a cat but a teacher—a reflection of everything I aspire to embody: knowledge, humility, strength, and compassion. Lil Man has taught me what it means to be a man—not in the narrow, stereotypical sense, but in the truest sense. He shows me that ideal masculinity isn’t rigid or performative but fluid, adaptable, and deeply connected to the feminine. Through his quiet but powerful example, I’ve come to understand that true harmony isn’t something external we must achieve but an internal truth we must embrace. Sometimes wisdom comes from the most unexpected teachers. And if a 22-pound tabby can embody this with such grace and ease, then perhaps there’s hope for all of us too.