Overcoming Toddler Brain | How Personal Maturity Challenges Absolutist Ideologies

“Are we regressing as a society?” I find myself asking this more often these days, watching the endless scroll of divisive debates and rigid beliefs that dominate social media. Absolutist thinking—this black-and-white, all-or-nothing mindset—seems to be creeping into every aspect of our lives. It’s not just a lack of nuance or understanding; it’s something deeper, almost psychological. Erik Erikson’s work on psychosocial development provides an interesting lens here, particularly when we look at how unresolved conflicts from early developmental stages carry into adulthood. For example, Erikson’s stages like trust vs. mistrust or autonomy vs. shame/doubt, when left unresolved, can lead to defensive and rigid thinking. These early developmental “snags” create an emotionally vulnerable individual who gravitates toward absolutism as a way to create a sense of certainty in an otherwise ambiguous world. Adolescence, for instance, is when we’re meant to resolve the conflict between identity and role confusion, forming a strong sense of self. But what happens when we don’t? What happens when that conflict lingers, leaving us feeling unsettled and defensive?

The truth is, unresolved aspects of our inner child—what Carl Jung would call our “shadow”—don’t just disappear. Jung’s concept of the shadow emphasizes that the more we repress parts of ourselves, the more they project outward onto others, making us prone to projecting our insecurities onto the world. This kind of projection feeds the rigidity of absolutist thinking—where unresolved shadows distort reality and limit one’s ability to engage with complexity. This kind of absolutist thinking is what I sometimes refer to as “Toddler Brain.” In early childhood, it’s natural for toddlers to see the world in black and white. They haven’t yet developed the ability to navigate differing perspectives or handle disagreement without feeling unsettled. But as adults, when we fall into similar patterns, it can feel jarring.

Many of us, whether through unresolved challenges or emotional triggers, find ourselves stuck in these developmental “snags,” where our thinking becomes rigid and reactive, especially when we feel threatened or unsure. This is part of being human, but it’s also where personal growth becomes so important. By gently working through these patterns, we can learn to step back, embrace complexity, and move beyond those instinctual reactions. Nietzsche’s concept of the “will to power” adds another layer to this. While Nietzsche suggested that the will to power could be a driver for self-overcoming and personal growth, without self-awareness, it often manifests as the drive to dominate others. This can lead to a blind need to impose one’s beliefs on others, which is common in absolutist ideologies. Instead of growth, the will to power, when unchecked, becomes a tool for control and suppression, often within social and political contexts. This is where Nietzsche’s warning about the dangers of the “herd mentality” becomes especially relevant. Friedrich Nietzsche warned about the dangers of conforming to the “herd mentality,” where individuals stop thinking for themselves and accept the prevailing beliefs without question. When we default to absolutist thinking, we may inadvertently surrender our individuality, making it easier for external forces to influence us.

I remember the first time I encountered Erikson’s stages of development—it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was attending a spirituality and psychology workshop in the early days of my own conscious awakening journey, trying to figure out my own unresolved issues, and suddenly Erikson’s theory made everything so clear. I began actively searching for areas in my life where I might have hit “snags”—those moments where I felt stuck, regressive, defensive or reactive. These snags weren’t just obstacles; they were clues pointing me toward deeper traumas or conflicts that needed healing. Jung’s shadow work came into play here. Integrating my shadow self—those aspects of me that were unresolved or unacknowledged—was crucial in preventing my mind from falling into absolutist thinking. Jung believed that only by confronting and integrating the shadow could we become whole, a lesson that helped me avoid projecting my issues onto others and fed into my personal growth.

By identifying these triggers and regressive responses, I’ve learned to temper my impulses. I make a conscious effort to pause and run my reactions through my own personal filter, aiming to avoid being cruel, rash, or unyielding. I never want anyone to feel they can’t speak honestly to me for fear of how I might react. Open and honest communication is something I deeply value in my relationships. If someone chooses to judge me or treat me with condescension, aggression, cruelty, or superiority simply because we hold different viewpoints or experiences, I’ve realized that’s not a relationship I want to invest my energy in. Jonathan Haidt’s work on moral psychology further illustrates why: Haidt argues that our moral intuitions come first, and our reasoning comes second. When people react emotionally to opposing viewpoints, they’re often responding from a place of emotional intuition, rather than logical reasoning. This makes them highly susceptible to manipulation by external forces that thrive on division. Haidt’s insights show how absolutist ideologies thrive in environments where emotional reactivity is rewarded, which is why social media—fueled by algorithms designed to stir emotional responses—becomes fertile ground for polarization. Instead of expending energy arguing with someone committed to misunderstanding me, I focus on what this is teaching me by identifying areas where I might be reactive, childish, unyielding or unkind. Balancing my rational mind with my deep empathy has been a journey in itself. It’s something I’ve had to learn to master within myself, and I acknowledge that I’m still, and always will be, a work in progress. But progress is the goal. Life is an ongoing journey of trying to be present in the moment while learning from the past and preparing for the future. I hope to navigate this journey with grace and empathy, acknowledging when my emotions are valid but also recognizing when actions prompted by them might not be. By handling hurtful or triggering situations with patience, thoughtfulness, and temperance, I aim to foster healthier relationships and continue growing as a person.

We see the consequences of unresolved conflicts all around us. Carl Jung’s work on shadow integration reminds us that avoiding our deeper conflicts only leads to fragmentation, making us more likely to project unresolved issues onto others or onto ideologies that feel “certain.” People cling to rigid ideologies—political, social, or otherwise—as a way to create stability. It’s a defense mechanism, plain and simple. When we don’t have a secure sense of self, it’s easier to take an absolute stance and say, “This is the truth, and anything that challenges it is a threat.” In psychological terms, we’re regressing to a childlike state where the world is black-and-white, good or bad, right or wrong. And let’s be honest—it’s easier to live that way. But is it better? This regression doesn’t just happen in one stage of life; it’s something we all fall into from time to time, regardless of age. And this is where it gets interesting. In a world dominated by those in power—be it politicians, corporate leaders, or influencers—our unresolved childhood conflicts can become incredibly useful to those who wish to exploit our difference and fan the flames and division. Jonathan Haidt, in his work on moral psychology, points out how our intuitions often drive our reasoning. When we react emotionally, we’re more susceptible to manipulation because we’re not engaging our critical thinking skills. It benefits those in control to keep us in a developmental loop, stuck between childhood and adolescence, because when we’re emotionally reactive and defensive, we’re easier to control.

Think about it. When we were kids, even the slightest challenge to a favorite toy or cartoon character might send us into a meltdown. In a lot of ways, not much has changed. Today, we see adults behaving the same way on social media, fiercely defending their beliefs and ideologies with the same emotional intensity they had as small, emotionally underdeveloped children. The stakes feel higher now, but the behavior is strikingly similar. Nietzsche’s concept of the “will to power” suggests that individuals have an innate drive to assert their beliefs and values. However, without self-awareness, this can manifest as a blind push to dominate others rather than a constructive effort to grow and understand.

It’s no surprise that this dynamic thrives in our society. A society that’s quick to anger and slow to think critically is less likely to question authority or challenge the status quo. This isn’t just about politics either—it shows up in consumer behavior. Young people, still figuring out who they are, are the biggest consumers of trends and gadgets. The desire to fit in, to find an identity through external validation, makes them prime targets for marketers. And this extends far beyond youth. We’ve all been there, scrolling through our feeds, searching for that next hit of dopamine, as neuroscientists might explain it. As we age, something shifts—or at least, it should. People tend to care less about fitting in and more about finding fulfillment. Yet, here’s the thing: society doesn’t exactly celebrate this wisdom. Instead, we sometimes mock it. The whole “OK Boomer” mentality is a perfect example of how we trivialize the insights of older generations. But age alone doesn’t guarantee maturity, as we’ve all seen. I’ve met plenty of people who, despite the years, are still stuck in childish patterns.

This is where shadow work comes in. Carl Jung emphasized the importance of integrating our shadow—the hidden, unaddressed parts of ourselves. Without this inner work, we remain fragmented, susceptible to rigid thinking and defensive behaviors. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. Without it, we fall into the traps of absolutist thinking, becoming the very people we swore we wouldn’t be. Jonathan Haidt, in The Coddling of the American Mind, discusses how overprotection and the avoidance of discomfort can hinder our development. By shielding ourselves from opposing viewpoints and challenging ideas, we prevent the growth that comes from grappling with complexity. This avoidance can reinforce our “Toddler Brain,” keeping us locked in a state where we prioritize emotional comfort over intellectual growth.

So, how do we get out of this loop? It starts by recognizing these patterns within ourselves. Shadow work isn’t just for therapy sessions—it’s something we need to engage with in our everyday lives. It’s about confronting those parts of ourselves we’ve denied for so long, the parts that make us uncomfortable, and integrating them into our whole self. By doing this, we begin to dissolve the “Toddler Brain” tendencies that keep us trapped in absolutist thinking. Breaking away from black-and-white thinking also means embracing the complexities and contradictions of life. Maturity involves understanding that growth requires discomfort, ambiguity, and the courage to challenge what we think we know. As Friedrich Nietzsche suggested, we must be willing to question societal norms and create our own values—a process of self-overcoming that leads to genuine personal evolution.

Erikson’s stages of development teach us that each phase of life brings its own set of challenges. Revisiting those unresolved conflicts—whether it’s trust, autonomy, or identity—allows us to engage with the world in a more nuanced way. Carl Jung emphasized that integrating our shadow is essential for wholeness; without this integration, we remain fragmented and more susceptible to rigid thinking. Jonathan Haidt points out that exposure to diverse perspectives is crucial for developing critical thinking skills. By shielding ourselves from opposing viewpoints, we stunt our intellectual and emotional growth. Embracing nuance doesn’t mean abandoning our values; it means holding them thoughtfully and being open to learning.

And let’s face it, our society could use a lot more nuance. If we’re ever going to build a more thoughtful, empathetic world, we need to move beyond emotional reactions and start valuing wisdom over clicks and likes. Nietzsche warned against the allure of the “herd mentality,” where conforming is easier than thinking critically. By choosing the path of self-awareness and personal growth, we resist the pull of simplistic thinking. Otherwise, we’ll stay stuck in this perpetual cycle of infantilization, easily manipulated and less capable of real change. But by doing the inner work—integrating our shadows, resolving our developmental snags, and embracing the complexities of life—we not only improve our own lives but also contribute to a society that’s more open, understanding, and mature.

Breaking free from the “Toddler Brain” isn’t just a personal victory; it’s a collective step toward a better world. Each of us has the power to challenge ourselves, to grow beyond our comfort zones, and to engage with others in meaningful, constructive ways. It’s not easy, but as we’ve learned from thinkers like Erikson, Jung, Nietzsche, and Haidt, it’s the path to genuine fulfillment and societal progress. So let’s embrace the journey—one of introspection, growth, and transformation. By doing so, we can move past the traps of absolutist thinking and help build a world that values depth over simplicity, understanding over division, and wisdom over ignorance.